3. i'm so tired of love songs tired of love songs tired of love-

This week taught me that no matter how far you've "run away" from your worst self, there is always, always a possibility of falling back into a deep, deathly place you thought you were done with.

It's not about how much time has passed, it's really not.

It's about recognising that your "worst self" is truly not part of your intended nature, and you have been deceived into taking on this behaviour.

Because if you actually believed this horrendous way of thinking and being was an undeniable part of you, you would eventually find/make peace living as him or her.

For me and drinking, smoking, never sleeping... no, I couldn't and still cannot find that peace.

Does that mean I am no longer susceptible to these things? No.

So very vulnerable am I; in and as myself.

But I really must try.

Somewhere within I do aspire for some sort of greatness I've yet to recognise in my life. I pin my hopes sky high, because that drives me. Drives me to...?

At best, it drives me to take the practical steps that need to be taken.

Don't laugh when I say this, but it could be:
apologising to someone,
cleaning up the house,
getting my phone fixed,
or in this case, reviving my blog.

At worst, it drives me to immense, crippling loathe and self-judgment. I feel the great gulf between where I am, what I'm doing and what I theoretically should be doing with my life.

That's the story of my last week of March.

Yes, I can blame it on circumstances, on every tongue and tangent that landed me where I am today.

But this is also the life I have been infinitely thankful for, and I will not stop being thankful, because beyond any bitterness or tenderness that resides in this heart of mine, this is how I truly feel.

Thankful.

Too much has happened for me to not be thankful for the way things are.

Penang, June 2017 on film